Start with Selfish
Image by Jenna Nord Photography
**Revised essay from 2019
Babe, you have to start with selfish. Even if it’s just 10 indulgent breaths - just for you.
That’s right. Breathing in allllllll the way down to the juiciest root - and exhaling what isn’t yours. What you might have gathered in moments of care, leadership, concern….let it out and breathe in renewal.
Sometimes before my feet hit the ground, and sometimes on my lunch break…no matter where I find the space…it’s one of my most sacred personal practices to take 10 selfish breaths.
These are for me.
No expectations.
No perfection…
…just taking 10 breaths for me at a time of my choosing.
Women from both sides of my family herald from a strong Protestant and Southern female (read: overextended) mindset that taking any time or energy for yourself is just selfish.
I spent most of my teens, twenties, and early 30s expending energy on others and not really thinking twice about the light that was draining for me.
My shadow self started to show in moments where I’d been completely drained – I’d get snappish, hold unspoken expectations, become weirdly secretive, I’d suddenly end relationships, or I’d only commit to relationships that I knew would never work out (in fact, I was counting on them not working out).
I sat with my shadow and discovered the pattern – I only acted out like this when I had expended too much. When I’d followed the pattern of my womb-givers to give more than was resourced…and I resolved to refine.
I struggled with refinement of patterns.
I felt guilty.
I had shame.
How?
How was I going to fix all this within me? Before me?
I started with 10 selfish breaths everyday.
I couldn’t commit to much in the beginning of piecing my whole self back together. I was burnt-the-fuck-out.
I found that could commit to 10 selfish breaths JUST FOR ME everyday. It wasn’t perfect - but it was a start.
